I’m Not Done Slowing You Down.

You have likely experienced some disruption in your life due to COVID-19. And you probably don’t need another blog post about it. My previous post about Easter was in the midst of the 2.5 month red phase that left us all somewhat agitated, reflective, disappointed, and grateful. Quarantine was and still is quite the paradox emotions. For my family, we’ve often jumped between dramatic despair and the joy of having normal days together.

As things begin to open, a lot has changed. There is distance, fear, and an ever consistent need for grace (oh, that’s actually always needed!). Some days I am dying to just pretend everything is fine and throw a huge party (mostly because I just love party planning 😉 ). Other days I feel anxious and paralyzed of the very real possibility this virus could reach my family.

Still, we move forward, even when forward looks like two steps backward.

With the hope of “normal” in my mind, I started to plan and dream for a summer of maximum hours of my time in childcare and odd jobs. I’m very grateful to those that have encouraged my ideas. Add on top of this a drive to learn and listen to voices of BIPOC through books, documentaries, podcasts, and media, and I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. So, Normal?

Normal for me is not far from overwhelmed, though I wouldn’t often admit that. Quarantine has given me an opportunity to sit with overwhelming emotions, but not be overwhelmed by a schedule. But when things started to reopen and the voices of injustice grew louder, I filled my time with trying to fill my time. I’m revisiting a truth I’ve written about before… It is hard to just be the person sitting and listening, so I tried to do avoid that.

My unchecked emotions turned into a mild sickness, which escalated to a mini breakdown. My most frequent sentence when I’m sick or feeling sick-ish: “I just don’t have time to be sick!” While I was sick, I also felt convicted that my plans needed to change; I needed to release them.

God’s response to me one night? “Ellen, I’m not done slowing you down.” *deep breath*

Jesus wasn’t afraid of slowing down. He fasted for 40 days in the desert (Matt. 4:1-11), he slept (Mark 4:38-40), he went away to pray (Matt. 14:23). He took time to first see the people in front of him. Sometimes he didn’t even speak. The Lord is not done teaching me slowly and carefully, and alongside family dinners and full nights of sleep.

In my (literal) rush to return to normal and healthy, because desperately I miss parts of normal, I didn’t want the answer to be not yet or that normal wasn’t right in the first place. Yes, we have seasons in life that are overwhelming, and we’re led through, not slowly around. The Lord sees and is with you in those. For me right now, I was asking for that season, and that’s not what this summer is for me.

This summer is going to be little home projects that should only take 2 hours but take a whole day. It’s sorting buttons with a beloved teacher from high school. It’s dressing up with my new 7-year-old best friend to have snack time on the sidewalk. It’s listening to BIPOC voices with full attention and leaning into a history I have never learned. It’s spending an hour on one Psalm a week with my amazing discussion group, journaling my thoughts more, and offering my skills and company to friends and neighbors for a few hours in a week. This summer is slow. Like March, like April, May, June, and now into July and August.

Do not toil to acquire wealth; be discerning enough to desist. Proverbs 23:4

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Love,